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You're not listening - Book Review

You’re not listening: What you’re missing & why it matters

Murphy, K. (2020). Harvill Secker.

We all like to feel heard and understood. Kate Murphy’s book explains why this is, and how taking time to listen to one another is beneficial for everyone. Listening is not as easy as it seems, especially in our increasingly fast paced world with our reliance on technology and social media. She notes it’s hard to concentrate on the real world when you’re preoccupied with the virtual one, where value is placed on what you project not what you absorb. In theory we have never been more connected, but in some cases we are lonelier, more isolated and less tolerant than ever before.

Her well-researched book reminds us of something we instinctively already know, the importance and value of listening. 

“Everybody has something going on in their heads, whether it’s your child, your romantic partner, your coworker, a client, or whoever.  To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate you care enough to want to know. It’s what we all crave; to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intents that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention.”

She does not provide a how-to guide. Instead, she highlights different aspects of what makes a good listener, such as asking curious questions, not making assumptions, reading body language and nonverbal clues, being present, remaining open (even when you disagree with someone), listening fully (without interrupting), keeping on topic (don’t derail the conversation), building trust, and being okay with silence.

“Hearing is passive. Listening is active. Understanding is the goal of listening, and it takes effort.”

There were a couple of insights I will endeavour to apply to my everyday interactions.  Murphy talks about closeness-listening bias, where we might use good listening skills in our professional lives but can be prone to making assumptions and misreading those closest to us. 

“When someone says something to you, it’s as if they are tossing you a ball.  Not listening or half listening is like keeping your arms pinned to your sides or looking away so the ball sails right past or bounces clumsily off you.”

Another gem for me was the reminder that is it okay to listen to our gut instinct when the world becomes too noisy, negative or we are fatigued and to take a break from listening.

I recommend this book as a refresher and reminder of how simple, yet powerful, listening is. It’s also equally important to be aware of when we are distracted. It encourages us to reflect on the quality of our listening skills and our willingness to be present for those in our lives. Listening well helps us and others feel connected, and can increase our chances of recognising when an acquaintance or friend is in need of a helping hand.

Reviewed by Kim Higginson, Information Management Specialist, MHF

 

Rāhina / Monday

Take Notice | Me Aro Tonu

A fresh week, blank slate and a new beginning. Let's start the week by setting purpose and intention, today is the day to take stock – how have you been feeling recently, are there any events or stresses that you need to sit with and unpack? 

Developing the ability to be fully present and conscious without being overly reactive or overwhelmed is no easy feat, it takes practice to achieve the delicate balance of awareness. When we take notice or practice mindfulness, we’re creating space for ourselves—space to think, space to breathe, space between ourselves and our reactions.  

Use today as a reminder to pay more attention to the present moment, to our thoughts and feelings, and to the world around us. At the end of the week, you can reflect on how you felt at the start of the week, and how putting each of the Five Ways into practice has helped to boost your mental health.

A few ideas to help you take notice:

Rātū / Tuesday

Give | Tukua

Today is all about kindness. When we give selflessly to others, whether through our time, resources, or support, we create a positive ripple effect that extends beyond the people we engage with. Carrying out acts of kindness boosts our happiness, life satisfaction, and overall wellbeing. When we help others, it gives us purpose and a sense of belonging – it’s a win/win!  

Think about how you might be able to brighten the day of someone you care about, or even a complete stranger. A small gesture might mean the world to someone else, and you’ll get a bit of a boost, too!

A few ideas to help you give:

Rāapa / Wednesday

Be Active | Me Kori Tonu 

We're nearly over the midweek hump and are inching closer to the weekend. Today is the perfect opportunity to give yourself a refreshing boost by engaging in some physical activity. Wi tēnei rangi to get the blood flowing through your tinana/body?   

Physical activity stimulates the release of endorphins, the "feel-good" hormones, which can uplift your mood and increase feelings of happiness. It reduces stress and anxiety levels, promotes relaxation and enhances overall mental resilience. It can even sharpen our thinking and boost our creativity. 

Being active doesn’t always mean high-intensity cardio workouts, there are lots of ways you can move your tinana to uplift your mood, reduce stress, and feel a sense of achievement. Choose to do something that is purely for feeling good or having fun, and dedicate it to your wellbeing.

A few ideas hei āwhina/to help you be active:

Rāpare / Thursday

Connect | Me Whakawhanaunga

It’s nearly Friday – why not tap into those weekend vibes early, and carve out some time for some meaningful connection? Use today as a sign to arrange that outing or gathering with friends, participate in social events that you might be finding an excuse to skip, or seek out opportunities for shared experiences that deepen your connections.  

Connect refers to making social connections, or whakawhanaungatanga. A sense of feeling connected, loved or belonging with others is strongly associated with better wellbeing and other health outcomes by providing a sense of meaning, safety, support and purpose.  

A few ideas to help you connect:

Rāmere / Friday

Keep Learning | Me Ako Tonu

It might be the last day of MHAW, but today’s the day to reflect on what you’ve learnt throughout the week and implement those tools into the weekend and weeks beyond. 

Evidence suggests that learning or trying new things creates a sense of achievement, competence and stimulates engagement with the world around us. There are lots of ways that you can Keep Learning today and every day. 

A few ideas to help you keep learning: